#98: Learning from loneliness

A Q&A with writer, facilitator, and community builder, Monika Jiang

Hello!

Thanks so much to those who replied to the New Suns post. It felt like the beginning of something important and I’m grateful for the words of support.

Continuing the conversation this week is our Q&A guest,

Monika Jiang

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Monika is a German-Chinese writer and facilitator dedicated to building community through the shared experience of loneliness. Her Substack,

Sharing Our Loneliness

, captured my attention many months back for its deep explorations into an overlooked yet urgent topic.

Loneliness is a silent epidemic. In 2023, The World Health Organization declared it a global health threat, with the US surgeon general saying the mortality efforts of loneliness are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day. Loneliness also transcends borders and demographics, affecting young and old in regions across the world, with particularly extreme effects on men.

It’s no secret that Trump and his MAGA machine have been weaponizing loneliness. As Monika points out in her latest post, it’s a well-recognized tactic for extremist movements—offering belonging and escape from isolation.

So what do we do about it? For Monika, the answer doesn’t lie in trying to eradicate loneliness altogether. Instead, she invites us to wonder: what if loneliness is our path back to each other?

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Let’s start at the root. What is loneliness?

Loneliness is often understood as a lack of emotional or social connections, but I believe this definition is too narrow. Loneliness can arise not only from disconnection with others but also from a disconnect within ourselves or from something greater—existentially, spiritually, and even viscerally.

I believe that loneliness, while often viewed negatively, can be a vital teacher. It’s a profound aspect of our human experience that holds a soft power, reminding us of our deepest longings to connect and reconnect with ourselves, each other, and the world around us. In this way, loneliness can prompt profound personal and communal growth if we open ourselves up to its lessons.

What sparked your interest in loneliness as a phenomenon?

In my role as the community manager at the House of Beautiful Business, I observed a palpable sense of disconnect among people, which fueled their desire for community and connection on a deeper level that we offered in our gatherings and programs. This made me curious about the underlying factors driving this shared longing. I noticed societal polarization in recent years and began exploring the connections between loneliness, totalitarianism, and how our urban designs and work-centric cultures prioritize individualism over community care. It became clear to me that our focus on separation and independence/self-sufficiency undermines the relationships that should be at the heart of our lives.

This is Monika

Why do we find it so hard to talk about loneliness?

There is a deep-rooted stigma and shame surrounding loneliness, which discourages people from opening up and seeking connection. This silence exacerbates the isolation we feel, which can have tragic consequences on our health and quality of life. For example, South Korea is facing a crisis of “lonely deaths,” with over 3,600 recorded last year. The problem has become so pressing that Seoul has committed over £250 million in the next five years to create ‘a city where no one is lonely.’

Modern loneliness is tied closely to a competitive, achievement-oriented culture that emphasizes relational orientation, where individuals feel defined by their contributions to society. For those who feel they’re not achieving enough or making a meaningful impact, the isolation can be profound. Unfortunately, many people cope through escapism—turning to video games, social media, and even AI companions to numb their pain. But these solutions often provide temporary relief, not true connection.

What’s needed is a shift in how we address loneliness—a cultural and social approach that prioritizes support systems where we’re encouraged to express our vulnerabilities without shame. Rather than escaping or compensating for our loneliness, we should foster communities that emphasize mutual care, compassion, and a genuine sense of belonging. Only then can we begin to dismantle the cycles of isolation that many currently endure in silence.

Your Substack explores the journey from loneliness to oneliness. What is the difference? Why is oneliness a superior option?

Oneliness isn’t about being superior to loneliness; it's not about winning or being right. Historically, the concept of loneliness emerged only in the 1800s; before that, the focus was on 'oneliness,' or the idea of wholeness and interconnectedness. With industrialization and urbanization, individualism and loneliness took root. My exploration of loneliness aims to understand how we can shift back toward a state of oneliness, fostering a capacity for care that allows us to reconnect with ourselves and each other in meaningful ways.

You wrote a piece for Fast Company that revealed one question that prompts rewarding connections. What is it?

In the interview, I discussed the importance of returning to a place of understanding and listening. Inspired by Marshall Rosenberg’s work and Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings on presence, I emphasized the need to pause and listen deeply instead of reacting obsessively to opinions. This approach encourages us to cultivate connections through genuine engagement. One question I propose is: 'What do you need right now?' This invites vulnerability and opens pathways to meaningful dialogue, moving us away from reactive interactions to a space of mutual understanding.

What else can we do to relate better to others and the world? What do we need to unlearn?

To improve our relationships, we need to unlearn the belief that we are a burden to others and must fix ourselves in isolation. There’s nothing inherently broken; rather, we have things to understand and relate to. Our motivation to reconnect should stem from compassion and empathy, not from guilt or shame. We must learn to practice vulnerability in small, meaningful ways—like sharing a smile or engaging in deeper conversations—creating environments where we can explore tension and conflict with openness. By prioritizing care and compassion, we can gradually reclaim our essential humanity in a society overly focused on productivity and efficiency.

Now for the questions I ask every guest. How can the tech and non-profit sectors come closer together?

I wish for a bridge between the tech sector, particularly Silicon Valley, which often prioritizes quantification and rationalization, and the non-profit sector, which grapples with fundraising and operating within capitalist structures. The tech industry can neglect the humanity and moral obligations that our societies need, while non-profits can sometimes become overly focused on survival rather than impact. A collaborative approach that values the insights from both sectors could create more effective and empathetic solutions to address the complex social issues we face today.

Which three books or other media have impacted you most and why?

Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication provides a framework for connecting compassionately with others, helping us learn to navigate conflict and communicate our needs without judgment or blame. 

Thich Nhat Hanh’s Interbeing reminds us of our interconnectedness, or as I would say, oneliness—not only with each other but with nature and all of life. His teachings on mindfulness and “interbeing” encourage a profound awareness of the ways in which we are all part of a larger whole. 

Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass blends Indigenous wisdom with scientific knowledge, reminding us of the reciprocal relationships we have with the Earth. Her work speaks to the kind of regenerative mindset that values care, gratitude, and respect, which I believe are essential values for any journey toward reconnecting and healing from isolation.

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More questions for Monika? Email hello@monikajiang.org and subscribe to her Substack

Sharing Our Loneliness

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Thanks so much for reading,

Lauren